Michelle Malkin: Bigoted Blackshirt

Jeff Koopersmith on Malkin's latest atrocity.

July 30, 2008 – Geneva (apj.us) –  In case you haven’t figured it out, the Republican Party, starting around 1978, began to realize that the only Americans who would vote for GOP candidates were people stupid enough to believe that they too could become Bill Gates if only they followed the rightest-wing party line.

Even the GOP think-tankers knew that people who had even high school diplomas wouldn’t be crazy enough to continue to elect Republicans who drove old American cars through the double iron gates of their Connecticut mansions so people would not think they dared flaunt their wealth. That was considered un-American by most elderly republican leaders. Their goal – as have been the goals of all rightists throughout history – was to keep the wealth of the West in as few hands as possible.


Most of you already know that there are far more wealthy Democrats than Republicans. Moreover, most of you know that the Republican acquaintances you have – even friends – are not, God Bless them, the sharpest knives in the drawer. The only method they could come up with to maintain their control of the financial backbone of America was to hoodwink the dumbest of the dumb into believing that if one slaved for “the man” one would one day be “the man”.

The Grand Ol' Party’s next step was to take a nice (and politically moderate) guy, Ronald Reagan, and turn him into a clone of Dick Cheney. In fact, that didn’t work – but Reagan’s coattails (because he was, in fact, “a nice guy”) were enough to convey insanity to the Congress in the personae of failed fourth-rate college history teacher Newt Gingrich and his band of merry idiots.

In a few short years, they had nearly bankrupted America while making Wall Street richer than ever.

Then some even crazier people, like Rupert Murdoch and his demon spawn, decided that to control morons you also needed to control television, newspapers, and radio.

Murdoch and his ilk were accurate – and they soon set out to do just that. Their only failure was not buying The New York Times – although I must write that the Times has become generally an excuse for a thoughtful newspaper and a streetman for its biggest war monger advertisers.

Way down at the bottom of the media cesspool are such ultra-right publications as Human Events, which was nearly spiritually bankrupt at that time and still is. Its leadership somehow determined it should recruit dense young and aged people who barely passed their English classes in high school to begin writing Julius-Streicher-like propaganda in an effort to disperse talking points that would trickle down, pump up the turnout of red-necks at the polls, steal the South from the Democrats, and seal the deal thereafter.

Among these outstanding “writers” are the likes of blowhard William Bennett, who cannot think straight unless he is sitting at a Vegas video poker machine with a few dozen single malt scotches in his belly. From his “seed” emerged a gaggle of “women” bigots like Laura Ingraham who never really made it (and holds the distinction of having basement-rated shows cancelled by both MSNBC and FOX News [sic] Channel), Ann Coulter (who tried hard to make it), and Michelle Malkin – who is just plain nuts.

Even the ultra right cringes when Malkin struts into a room. She has also created a new segment of society – Bigoted Liberals, who think of Malkin as the neo-Nazi “Chink” who married the arguably even more unhinged Jesse “Don't Make Me Beat You Up! ” Malkin – and thinks she is good looking.

Malkin is of course not a “Chink” .In fact she, in the parlance of her own political party, she is a “Flip” – the shortened, racist term for Filipino-American (in right wing jargon, that is).

So now, we find the Neocons using a “Flip” to attack a “N***er” – which, if it wasn’t so depressing, would be a hilarious foundation for a Don Rickles routine, which he could perform to the delight of a drunk Bill Bennett at Caesar’s Palace.

All this leads us to Malkin’s latest racist toilet humor: “The Brangelina-fication of the Obamas”

This title of her third-grade attempt at opinion-journalism tells us something about Malkin. She reads dismal movie magazines that develop asinine names for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and she prays to be able to write for them someday, when she grows up.

The fact that her term; “Brangelina-fication” has seven syllables and is impossible for morons to understand makes no difference to Malkin – her aim is to be cute, timely, socially tuned-in, and intelligent. She fails wretchedly at all four – mostly because she has trouble with English.

Separated at birth?
Photo of Cancer Boy
“Brain Candy”'s Cancer Boy…
Photo of McCain
… and John McCain?

Malkin, at best, acts as if she detests Barack Obama and his family and has written some very cruel and selfish things about the Obamas while quietly backing her septuagenarian prisoner of war candidate John “Cancer Boy” McCain. You might remember Cancer Boy as the hilarious character played by Bruce McCulloch in the Kids in the Hall's brilliant film “Brain Candy”, which did not get much of a run because the movie attacks – through side-splitting humor – the trespasses of the pharmaceutical industry, a sacred cow to the media because Pharma buys billions in pricey advertising.

Malkin wants you to believe that during her grocery shopping last weekend she could not turn in any direction without seeing photos of the Obama Family flashing their “pearly whites” (subliminal racist comment).

She also calls Senator and Mrs. Obama “sanctimonious” (read: “uppity”) because they are trying to protect their children from a great deal of media attention.

Malkin is so stupid, that she does not realize the best way to protect children of celebrities or politicians is to do just this – to grant photo opportunities to the press and get them out of the way.

Then again – no one has been much interested in filming Malkin so maybe she was unaware.

What’s so holier-than-thou about wanting to protect your kids against gunk paparazzi? That’s what sanctimonious means – “self-righteous” “smug” and “pious”. Like so many neo-Nazis, Malkin confuses the intelligence, candor, and something they call “it” in Obama, with her own delusions about being a star.

She calls Lindsay Lohan a “basket case” while pointing out that one of the Obama children is pictured “next to” to a picture of Lohan and her “lesbian lover”.

How Malkin knows that Lohan is a basket case or that she has a lesbian lover is something to think about when you are taking her advice from her on who should be the next President of the United States.

Then again, I forget the people Malkin writes for – her public – know all this garbage and more. Most of her readers have surely been kidnapped by aliens and know ‘fer-sure’ that Martians are stockpiled, hidden away at U.S. Air Force bases in the Nevada desert because, “the gubberment thinks we’re too stupid to accept them.”

In Malkin’s ever-dimmer mind, this means that the Obama family blends “seamlessly into this Hollyweird pop culture galaxy”. (Note the word “galaxy”)

Michelle Malkin also believes that magazines are alive and are able “fawn” over things. She claims People magazine “fawned over a photo of the bare-chested Obama in his swimsuit…” She notices everything. Can you imagine a magazine walking around the beach fawning over you?

Ms. Malkin wants you to believe that Michelle and Barack Obama “hawk” (read: “pimp”) their children to televisions gossip shows. She proves this by telling us about the television shows that Malkin ogles – Access Hollywood, surely up for a Nobel Prize for instance, where I guess she saw the usual video clips of the Obamas.

I don’t think that’s “hawking” themselves by which she means to imply they were selling their kids – cheaply.

I’m not sure if Michelle Malkin considers herself a Christian – but I’d bet she is or wants you to think she is. Of course that’s meaningless now when she refers to “the upstart” Obama as the “messiah”. That is prima facie heresy.

Even snakier, Malkin has the gall to write this: “They believe their two-faced tabloid strategy (show their true elitist colors behind closed doors, but play the Every Family for the Obamedia sycophants) is working. Given our dumbed-down, celebrity-obsessed culture, they are probably right.”

We learn from this cretin that Senator Obama has a “perilous lack of foreign policy experience”.

Perilous? I suppose Malkin believes that George DumbBellYou Bush had massive foreign policy experience having never been out of the United States in his entire 50 years of life except to smoke ganja in Mexico just over the border from home. She must also believe that Ronald Reagan was a foreign policy expert.

Does the word dimwit come to mind?

Malkin also claims that Obama has “longtime associations with left-wing radicals and domestic terrorists”. I imagine this means he is friendly with black people who have had just about enough with racists like Malkin, and the two professors who were once leaders in what was to become the Weather Underground but are now mainstream American intellectuals and university professors who do not regret their anarchic but well-founded feeling that America was heading toward a precipice which we have now, belatedly, arrived at and best demonstrated by filthy-mouthed pigs like Malkin.

She doesn’t mention Senator McCain’s deep involvement in corruption as one of the Keating Five – nor does she mention his familial “cheerleading for drunkenness” led by his wife’s giant beer distribution business.

How convenient.

Read her sneering, jealous, adolescent attacks: “Michelle [Obama] hula-hoops with her daughters. They're just like you and me! The kids have slumber parties. They're just like you and me! Barack does laundry, but he doesn't fold it. They're just like you and me! The kids get small allowances. They're just like you and me! The Obamas wear normal clothes while doing normal things. THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!”

No Ms. Malkin – they’re light-years BETTER than you, so far superior to you, in every way that the people who do love them or respect them would spit in your face if they were as crass as you obviously are.

Malkin simply adores gossip magazines. It is where she comes from, so you can’t blame her. She’s a dreamer and a schemer. She tells us about these rags in more boring detail than I care to burden you with.

As usual, Malkin becomes more absurd (or is that her husband writing her columns? – If you have heard this mutt on radio or television – it’s hard to believe she can write at all.

Malkin – as if she thinks you are truly stupid – tells you that photo-shoots of Obama – and everyone else for that matter – are “carefully choreographed.” Hilarious! Does that mean, “Hey, Barack come over here and smile!” She calls this a “fatal flaw.” Then of course, she pitches only the 200th brainless word she’s made up – “fauxtographs” – which, by the way, she did not coin.

On we move to her name-calling: This time it is “Snobama” and the so-often-repeated-by-mongoloid-thinkers, Senator’s Obama’s comment about people in America who "cling" to their guns and religion, which she tries to tie to other non-gaffes he has made in “candid unscripted moments”.

You understand Malkin’s not-so-well-hidden message of course: “If you love your guns – don’t vote for Obama. It you love your God, don’t vote for Obama.”

I see. If you think some people are too gluttonous for personal fire power and too easily invoke the Bible into everything from how to drive a tractor, to how to make chicken – you’re a snob. That is an eye-opener. (And no, that is not a pun)

Malkin then name calls Michelle Obama, who is not running for anything as I recall.

She says Mrs. Obama is “cunning” (read: sly, wily, crafty, sneaky, “shiftless negro”). “Cunning”? Hey, I thought that one was reserved for Asians during World War II. Get this: Malkin thinks that Michelle Obama is “cunning” because she “brags” (AKA: boaster, blowhard, crow, “uppity negro”) about buying her sundresses at a discount store. Not only that, but Mrs. Obama does this with “studied casualness” (read: “lazy negro”).

Ask yourself: what Malkin is up to?

Next, Ms. Malkin also appears to know also that the Obamas pick their noses – but not on camera so they can “mimic Real People bona fides.” Hey, that’s Latin. It appears that Malkin must then pick her own nose, and in public, and most likely – with studied casualness – she eats it.

Ms. Malkin is also offended that far more Americans would like to have to dinner with an intelligent, smiling, gentle, and thoughtful guy like Barack Obama than with John McCain, nearly a rotting deranged corpse who loses his sadistic temper when he can’t find his socks. – This according to Malkin’s bibliographic and unimpeachable source – Bonnie Fuller, the former unknown and outrageous editor of Star magazine.

Make no mistake: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have nothing to do with Malkin’s column except to feather her own nest by mentioning them more than once. The only reason Malkin uses their names is so that all the dimwits Googling for info on these attractive stars (and I mean that in a character sense) might somehow wind up reading her nasty trash.

Ms. Malkin saves the worst for last. She actually has the impudence to posit that Obama and his “paparazzi” are counting on people’s “stupidity” and his “cult of personality” (whatever that means?) to carry him to the White House.

Is that like “Carry me back to ol' Alabammy”?

Malkin knows and writes that the odds are in Obama’s favor – but certainly not because stupid people will vote for him as she claims. No, stupid people will in all certainty vote for McCain, but after Bush, there are far fewer of them.

They have learned a very expensive lesson.

Funny enough, after Malkin depresses us with her study of every cheap trashy magazine she can think of, she then makes a mockery of those just like her “of people with their noses buried in People or Us”.

She also re-regurgitates the name of Rev. Jeremiah Wright (for more racism) because she is too mentally challenged to comprehend that Rev. Wright grew old in a culture so filled with the most vicious hate and bigotry that I am surprised his sermons were as controlled as they were.

If I had been Jeremiah Wright, I would have taken up arms.

If I was Michelle Malkin, I would cut my own throat.

Jeff Koopersmith is an internationally renowned political consultant, opinion research authority and policy analyst. He has lobbied for causes including the alternative fuel sector and women's health, and is an expert on the international real estate market. He lives in Philadelphia, Washington and Geneva.

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