Leaked to Koop: The Real McCain “DysLexington” Energy Scam

Jeff Koopersmith's double secret inside sources have provided him with McCain's real energy plan!

July 2, 2008 – Geneva (apj.us) – Last week, Senator John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee for President of the United States, gave this keynote address last week in Las Vegas to outline his new energy policy.  Our moles have provided us with the actual script that was loaded into ol' JJ's teleprompter that day. Enjoy!


THANKS.  IT'S GOOD BE IN VEGAS TO SHOUT OUT ABOUT AMERICA'S ENERGY PROBLEMS  – WHICH ARE
NOT A CRISIS AS EVERYONE TELLS YOU – NO, MY FRIENDS, THEY ARE JUST PROBLEMS. 

VEGAS IS A WEIRD SETTING FOR DISCOURSE ABOUT ALMOST ANYTHING SO I WILL JUST SKIP THE PART ABOUT AIR CONDITIONED WHOREHOUSES AND NEON SEX TOYS.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
 
I HAVE SETTLED ON A FEW GREAT QUESTIONS. ONE OF THEM IS WHETHER MY MEMORY IS SHOT. 

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
 
THAT ASIDE THESE QUESTIONS ARE HARD.  SO I WILL AVOID THEM.  YET THE PRICE OF SECURITY AND ENERGY IN AMERICAN IS ONE OF MY GREAT QUESTIONS.
 
WHY?  WELL IT IS NOW VERY VERY VERY EXPENSIVE AND GAS HAD BROUGHT YOU HARDSHIP AND WILL BRING MORE.  GAS IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT THE PRICE AFFECTS EVERYTHING.  COST OF LIVING IS RISING AND PAYCHECKS ARE SHRINKING.  MANY PEOPLE CAN'T KEEP IT UP…. I MEAN CAN'T KEEP UP.  GODDAMN IT!
 
ENERGY SECURITY IS VITAL FOR IT CONCERNS AMERICA'S MOST FUNDAMENTAL INTERESTS – GREED.
 
THEY TELL ME OIL ALSO MAKES YOU SAFER FROM THE VIOLENCE OF THE WORLD.  I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY. 

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT SEEMS TO ME WE LOST ABOUT 5,000 OF OUR KIDS IN IRAQ OVER OIL AND ABOUT A MILLION IRAQICIVILIANS – WELL I GUESS THEY'RE NOT AMERICANS – AT LEAST NOT YET- (WINK WINK)HERE'S THE TRUTH.

WHEN WE BUY FOREIGN OIL WE ARE ENRICHING OUR WORST ENEMIES – ENGLAND,MEXICO, RUSSIA, NORWAY,VENEZUELA, TEXAS – THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO USE THE POWER OF THATWEALTH.

LOOK AT BUSH! (HAHAHAHA) [WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT OF COURSE I AM B.S.ING YOU.

IT'S IRAN!

THEY ARE USING OIL TO PURSUE, AS BUSH SAYS, "NUCULER"WEAPONS.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OTHER OIL RICH PEOPLE RUN UNDEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENTS – LIKE KUWAIT, SAUDI ARABIA AND LIBYA.

THEY CRUSH DISSENT IN THEIR MIDST AND TREAT WOMEN LIKE GARBAGE.

THEY FINANCE TERROR AND CRIMINAL SYNDICATES – LIKE ITALY.

THEY ARE STAGNANT ANDOPPRESSIVE.

FROM THESE POTENTATES (HEHEHEH) WE GET OIL THAT FUELS OUR "PRODUCTIVE"ECONOMY.

IN SHORT WE GET GAS THAT RUNS YOUR CAR SO YOU CAN GET TO WORK AND WORK YOURBUTTS OFF FOR "THE MAN" FOR 10-12 HOURS AND THEN TAKE THAT CAR BACK HOME AND CRASH SO YOUCAN GET UP THE NEXT DAY AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER ANDAPPLAUSE]

THE OIL ALSO KEEPS YOU WARM SO YOU WON'T CALL IN SICK.

OTHER STUFF TOO.

WE NEED THAT OIL – NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

GET THIS – NOT ONLY DO WE GIVE THESE ELITE PIGS – LIKE THE KING OF SAUDI ARABIA – MONEY BUT WEALSO SUPPLY TERRORISTS WITH TARGETS.

NO, NOT THE KING [WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER ANDAPPLAUSE]

BUT ALL THOSE PIPELINES AND REFINERIES AND TERMINALS – EVEN OUR OWN OCEANDRILLING SITES WHICH POLLUTE OUR SEA VIEWS AND KILL THE FISH.

EVEN THOUGH YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE PIPELINES ETC ARE – AL QUEDA DOES.

BUT FORGET ABOUT THE POTENTATES AND THE WARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.

EVEN IF WE WEREALL AT PEACE AMERICAN WOULD STILL HAVE TO FOLLOW THE PATH TO ENERGY SECURITY BECAUSE OFA THREAT LITERALLY GATHERING AROUND THE EARTH ITSELF.

YES, I MEAN FOSSIL FUEL EMISSIONS.

GLOBULE WARMING.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS EVEN THOUGH SCIENCE HAS BEENWARNING US ABOUT IT FOR ALMOST 70 YEARS NOW.

DID YOU? NO!

OF COURSE NOT – WE'RE NOT TOBLAME!

SO WE HAVE TO HAVE UNITY.

LIKE BARACK AND HILLARY WHO ARE THERE IN UNITY TODAYPRETENDING TO LIKE EACH OTHER.

(HAHAHAHA) [WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT ENERGY SECURITY DOES NOT MEAN JUST ONE THING – IT'S JUST ONE THING IN A PANDORA'S BOX OFHORROR THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS CREATED IN THE LAST 30 YEARS.

BUT IS ENERGY THE TOTALOF ALL THE STUFF FACING US, NO? SO LETS SHAKE OFF THE OLD WAYS AND SOLVE NEW HAZARDS ANDMADE HARD CHOICES, LIKE MAKING A RUN ON OUR BANKS AND BROKERAGES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SEVERE MATTER HAS CONFOUNDED OIL INDUSTRY LOBBYIST FOR TWO DECADES.

HOW DO WEMAKE CONGRESS AND THE PRESIDENT BELIEVE THAT OIL IS GOOD FOR THE ATMOSPHERE THEY ASK? AND FOR TWENTY YEARS THEY PAID MANY IN CONGRESS WITH MONEY, FREE TRIPS IN PRIVATE JETS AND"CONFERENCES" IN HOTEL SUITES IN ACAPULCO ATTENDED ONLY BY GIRLS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 17AND 22.

SO CONGRESS REMAINED "CONFOUNDED" ABOUT WHAT TO DO.

NOW WE HEAR CALLS FOR TAXES THAT WILL BE USED TO PRODUCE ALTERNATIVE ENERGY FOR OURMAGNIFICENT NATION.

THIS OLD TIRED LITANY IS JUST CRAP.

WHAT WE DON'T HEAR IS "DRILL!

" – "REFINE" – "PIPE" – BURN MORE COAL – POISON OUR KIDS WITH NUCULER WASTE!

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF ENERGY BILLS IN CONGRESS.

THE FIRST INVOLVES THE USUAL OIL COMPANYHANDOUTS AND FIGHTING WITH GOOKS OVER PIECES OF PORK IN THE SENATE DINING ROOM RICE BOWL.

(WINK WINK) [WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT BUSH – HE'S OVER THERE FLYING FALCONS AND HAWKS WITH PRINCE BANDAR AND ASKING FORSYMPATHY – "PLEASE GIVE US MORE OIL" HE WHINES AS HIS HAWK RIPS OFF HIS TIE AND CHEWS IT TOSHREDS.

THIS IS DAMN FAGGOT WEAKNESS!

AND LOOK AT THOSE MORONS IN THE HOUSE VOTING IN FAVOR OFSUING OPEC AS IF WE CAN LITIGATE OUR WAY TO ENERGY SECURITY.

(WAIT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

FIRST I SAY THAT WE SHOULD SHOW STRENGTH AGAINST THE ARABS – THEN I SAY WE SHOULDN'T SUE THEM.

) WELL THEY TOLD ME IT MAKES SENSE ANYWAY.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK, RELAX.

AMERICA WILL DO JUST FINE.

– NOT AS A SUPPLICANT, OR AN INCUBUS, OR A MISCREANT,OR A CHILD RAPIST – OR WORSE – A PLAINTIFF.

WE ARE GOING TO TAKE ACTION LIKE WE ALWAYS DO.

FANTASIZE!

SO HERE IS WHAT I WILL DO WHEN SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT.

I WILL BREAK THE STALEMATE IN WASHINGTON AND MAKE US ENERGY SECURE.

I WILL AUTHORIZE- EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T UNDER THE CONSTITUTION – NEW EXPLORATION AND PRODUCTION OFAMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS.

SAY IT!

AMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS.

AMERICA'S OWN OIL ANDGAS.

AMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS.

I SAID SAY IT LOUDER!

AMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS.

AMERICA'S OWNOIL AND GAS.

AMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS.

AMERICA'S OWN OIL AND GAS!

EVEN IF I COULD AUTHORIZE THAT, THIS OF COURSE WILL TAKE TWENTY YEARS – BUT AT LEAST I WILLSHOW I AM TRYING AT LEAST UNTIL I CROAK.

I AM ALSO GOING TO GET RID OF ALL THOSE DAMN ARMORED CHEVY TAHOES THE IDIOT SECRET SERVICEUSES TO CART ME AROUND.

THOSE THINGS GET 4 MILES TO THE GALLON.

THAT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.

NOTTO MENTION THAT EVERY TIME AL QUEDA SEES A CHEVY TAHOE THEY SHOOT AT IT!

I MEAN HOW DUMBIS DUMB!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE WILL USE EITHER MOPEDS OR THOSE NEW MERCEDES SMART CARS – YOU KNOW THE ONES THATKILL YOU IF YOU HIT A CRICKET.

– WHEN WE TRAVEL BY ROAD.

WE WILL USE HOT AIR BALLOON AND DIRIGIBLES TO TRAVEL BY AIR NOT THAT STUPID 747 THAT REAGANBUILT.

FRANKLY I THINK GOLF CARTS WOULD BE FINE – BUT THEY CAN'T BE EASILY ARMORED.

YOU KNOW – WE SEND TRILLIONS TO THE SAUDIS.

SO WHAT IF THEY BUY ALL OUR WORTHLESS BONDSAND BANK OUR WORTHLESS DOLLARS? F$#@'EM!

WE'LL USE UP OUR OWN OIL, OUR OIL RESERVES, ALLTHE OLIVE OIL IN LITTLE ITALY, MY WIFE'S FACE CREAMS – ALL OF IT BEFORE WE ENRICH OTHERS!

I PLEDGE THIS!

SO THE FIRST THING WE WILL DO IS WE GIVE UP ALL THE OIL WE SAVED FOR A RAINYDAY.

HEY – THIS IS RAINY DAY!

THAT WILL KEEP US GOING FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

AND LOOK.

I CAN'T STOP OIL TRADERS – BUT I CAN BEG THEM TO "ASSURE INTEGRITY" IN OIL FUTURESTRADING – WHICH IS ANOTHER WORD FOR PRICE CONTROL.

SCREW THE GLOBAL ECONOMY AND ITSOPENNESS – WE HAVE TO CONTROL THESE SLIMEBAGS.

THEN I AM GONNA BUILD A LOT OF NUCULER REACTORS – AND I MEAN A LOT!

DON'T YOU KNOW THATTHREE MILE ISLAND IS OPENING AGAIN, AND PUTIN TELLS ME CHERNOBYL IS ONLY 1000 YEARS FROM RE-OPENING TOO.

AND THOSE FRENCHIES – THEY HAVE HUNDREDS OF THESE PLANTS IN OLD EUROPE AND THEY ONLYWORK ABOUT 30 HOURS A WEEK!

THINK OF IT – THE ENTIRE NATION LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE – WITHOUT ELECTRICITY – JUST NUCULER POWER!

OKAY SO I PROMISE TO BUILD 45 THE YEAR I TAKE OFFICE – THEN ANOTHER 200 THOUSAND OF THEMBEFORE MY TERM EXPIRES.

BUILDING THESE PLANTS WILL TAKE LESS THAN THIRTY YEARS!

IN THE MEANTIME WE CAN CUT BACKON USING GASOLINE AND OIL.

WHAT WE DO WITH THE NUCULER WASTE IS ANOTHER PROBLEM I HAVE SOLVED.

WE ARE GOING TOSHOOT IT MARS!

WE CAN DO GREAT THINGS.

IF WE CAN PUT ONE OF THOSE MECHANICAL SPIDERDOOHICKEYS ON MARS – WE CAN CERTAINLY SEND THEM – I MEAN "IT" – A FEW "SURPRISE" PACKAGES OFRADIOACTIVE WASTE!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW 100 REACTORS WILL COST MAYBE 300 BILLION DOLLARS – BUT HELL – WE SPEND THAT IN A FEWMONTHS IF I-RAQ.

THEN – SO THE COAL BARONS DON'T ASSASSINATE ME – I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE WE INVENT "CLEANCOAL" WE ALREADY BUILT ONE CLEAN COAL PLANT – BUSH SPENT ABOUT 3 BILLION ON IT.

IT DIDN'TWORK – THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO BE PRESIDENT INSTEAD – I MAKE THINGS WORK!

SO SEE!

SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS? WE USE LESS, WE PRODUCE MORE.

MAYBE WE CAN EVEN EXPORT OUR OILAND GET AS RICH AS THAT KING FAROUK OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SCREW THE ETHANOL PRODUCERS!

THEY ARE LIARS TOO!

WHAT A JOKE!

THEY'VE MADE MY GROCERIES MORE EXPENSIVE!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO HERE'S ANOTHER HAND OUT, I MEAN PROMISE – ANY CAR COMPANY THAT PRODUCES A ZERO-EMISSION CAR WILL GET A CHECK FOR 5,000 – WELL BETTER THAN A CHECK – A TAX CREDIT WHICH ISWORTH MORE – ONLY IF YOU'RE MAKING MONEY – LIKE ADM – THEY GOT 25 BILLION IN TAX CREDITS – THEIR ENTIRE PROFIT – FROM YOU, THE TAXPAYERS – SEE HOW IT WORKS!

THE 5,000 CREDIT PER CAR WILL ONLY COST US ABOUT 725 BILLION DOLLARS ONCE WE REPLACE ALL THEBAD CARS WITH THE NEW GOOD CARS!

THAT MEANS THAT EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD WILL ONLYHAVE TO PAY ABOUT 13,000 DOLLARS IN ADDITIONAL INCOME TAX – OR ABOUT $50,000 PER FAMILY!

HEY – THAT AIN'T NOTHIN – THE DOLLARS' WORTHLESS ANYWAY – SO WHO CARES!

THEN I WILL BECOME A MONOPOLY BUSTER!

WE'LL CHANGE THE LAW.

THAT WILL END THE REIGN OFTHE BUSH FAMILY – CHENEY, AND STANDARD OIL.

BUT HERE'S THE REAL DREAM.

ONE DAY OUR CARS WILL RUN ON BATTERIES!

OF COURSE THOSEBATTERIES WILL HAVE TO BE CHARGED WITH OIL-FIRED POWER PLANTS UNTIL I GET MY CLEANCOAL AND NUKES GOING.

BUT WHAT THE HECK – AT LEAST WE'LL LOOK GOOD.

GUESS HOW I WILL DO THIS? I'M GONNA GIVE WHOEVER EVENTS A LITTLE BATTERY THAT WILL POWER APORSCHE 991 TURBO AT 178 MILES PER HOUR – A 300 MILLION DOLLAR REWARD.

MAYBE TAX FREE!

SEE!

NOW EVEN THOUGH WE'VE GIVEN ENERGY COMPANIES AT LEAST 300 BILLION DOLLARS INRESEARCH FUNDING WITH ZERO RESULTS – I KNOW THE 300 MILLION WILL GRAB SOMEONE'S ATTENTION -MAYBE SOMEONE LIKE BEN FRANKLIN – THAT GUY WAS BRILLIANT!

RIGHT!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OUR ENGINEERING GENIUSES ARE NOT TILTING AT WINDMILLS THEY ARE BUILDING THEM – ANDBUILDING THEM SO COSTLY AND NOISY THAT NO ONE WANTS THEM NEARBY.

BUT AT LEAST THEY ARETRYING.

THEY ARE ALSO BUILDING THESE THINGAMABOBS THAT TAKE THE POWER OUT OF OCEAN TIDESAND TURN THEM INTO SOMETHING – I THINK POWER, BUT I AM NOT SURE.

THEN THERE IS THE SUN – YES THE SUN.

WE WILL FORCE YOU TO BUY SOLAR PANELS EVEN IF YOU LIVEON THE CANADIAN BORDER OR IN NORTHERN ALASKA.

GET RID OF THOSE STUPID HOT WATER HEATERSTHAT RUN ON OIL!

AND WHY AREN'T I SAYING BUY AN ELECTRIC WATER HEATER – WELL – THAT'SBECAUSE THEY TAKE ELECTRICITY SILLY – AND THAT ELECTRICITY HAS TO BE GENERATED – AT LEAST FORTHE NEXT 3 GENERATIONS [THAT'S A PUN!

]

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, OKAY – THEY HAVE TO BE GENERATED WITH DIRTY COAL AND OIL.

CARS ARE DIFFERENT – PEOPLE CAN SEE THEM.

NO HECKLING PLEASE!

I DON'T PUT UP WITH HECKLERS!

THE TRUTH IS OF COURSE THAT OIL AT 140 BUCKS A BARREL OR 300 BUCKS A BARREL IS JUST THE WAY ITIS – THESE NEW ENERGY SOURCES I AM TALKING ABOUT WON'T TAKE OILS' PLACE.

OUR INFRASTRUCTUREIS FROM THE STONE AGE.

SO WE HAVE TO CHANGE THAT TOO.

THAT WILL COST MAYBE 1,000 TRILLIONDOLLARS.

BUT WE CAN RAISE IT!

WE ARE AMERICANS!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

INSTEAD OF GIVING THE AVERAGE JOE BLOW INCENTIVES TO DRIVE LESS OR STOP DRIVING ALLTOGETHER – INSTEAD WE WILL DO THE USUAL THING AND GIVE ALL THE MONEY TO WHO ?CORPORATIONS!

OF COURSE – SAY IT – CORPORATIONS"!

CORPORATIONS"!

CORPORATIONS"!

CORPORATIONS"!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN WE WILL LET THE BIGGEST POLLUTERS TRADE THEIR POLLUTION ON WALL STREET.

WHY WE AREALREADY DOING THAT!

DON'T YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE? LOOK AT THIS SKY!

IT'S BLUER THAN BLUE.

WE CALL THIS THE "CAP AND GOWN" I MEAN "THE CAP AND TRADE" SYSTEM.

CORPORATIONS WILL PROFITBY BEING CLEANER WHILE THE CHINKS AND THE INDIANS KEEP DESTROYING THE ATMOSPHERE ALONGWITH THE ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AFRICA AND MOST OF ASIA.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER ANDAPPLAUSE]

BUT OUR SKY WILL BE CLEAN BECAUSE OF MY NEXT PROJECT – BUILDING A WALL THAT RUNS FROM THEBOTTOM OF THE OCEAN ALL THE WAY TO OUTER SPACE!

1 THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO CAREWHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES!

WE WILL HAVE OUR OWN ATMOSPHERE AND OCEAN IS THAT NOT A GREATIDEA? I KNOW WE CAN DO IT – WE JUST HAVE TO FIND THAT BEN FRANKLIN OUT THERE – I BET THERE ARETHOUSANDS OF THEM LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW!

I CALL MY ENERGY SCHEME (YOU WILL LOVE THIS) – "THE DISLEXINGTON PLAN" – ISN'T THAT CUTE? IT ISNAMED AFTER THE TOWN WHERE AMERICA FIRST CLAIMED ITS INDEPENDENCE FROM THOSE DAMNBRITISH.

KENTUCKY IS STILL A GREAT STATE – AND LEXINGTON IS A GREAT CITY.

SO I AM WARNING THE RAGHEADS – IN ABOUT 15 YEARS WE WON'T BE BUYING YOUR STINKING OIL.

ITWILL JUST BE A NUISANCE TO YOU AND YOU'LL HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP – OR MAYBE USE IT TO FIRE UPYOUR BARBEQUES ON PALM ISLAND OR SOMEWHERE NEAR YOUR TENTS!

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUSLAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY – SO OUR SUPPOSEDLY BEST SCIENTISTS SAY THAT WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME OR MONEY TO DOMY PLAN.

WELL THAT'S JUST A CROCK.

WE ARE AMERICANS "CORPORATIONS"!

"CORPORATIONS"!

WE AREAMERICA WE ARE AMERICA!

THESE GENIUSES ARE JUST PLAIN WRONG AND DAFFY TOO.

SHOULD I REMIND THEM THAT WE SENT MENTO THE MOON – NOT WOMEN – BUT MEN – REAL MEN – REAL AMERICAN MEN TO THE MOON IN ABOUTEIGHT YEARS!

AND WE BEAT THE JAPS AND THE KRAUTS IN LESS TIME THAN THAT – AND THE VIET CONGAND THE NORTH KOREAN KIM CHEE FREAKS, THE IRAQIS, THE AFGHANIS, AND THE GRENADIANS!

DON'T BE A CHUMP – HAVE FAITH WE ARE AMERICANS!

1LOOK MY DISLEXINGTON PLAN WILL NOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY.

BUT IT WILL MAKE THE LOBBYISTSHAPPY BECAUSE THEIR CORPORATE CLIENTS WILL GET ALL THE MONEY – SAVE MAYBE FOR THAT 300MILLION I WILL GIVE TO THE NEXT BEN FRANKLIN.

AND AS USUAL YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND THEIRCHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN ANDTHEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIRCHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN ANDTHEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIRCHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN WILL PAY FOR IT.

WOO EEE!

THUS WHEN WE SUCCEED – IN THE 57TH GENERATION FROM NOW – YOUR GREAT GREAT GREAT GREATGREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREATGREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREATGREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREATGREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDCHILDREN WILLLIVE IN A MORE PROSPEROUS COUNTRY, IN A MORE PEACEFUL WORLD.

THAT IS UNLESS WE ARE STRUCK BY A GIANT METEOR, INVADED BY ALIENS, OR THE ICE CAPS MELT ANDDROWN EVERYONE.

I CAN'T PROMISE THAT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN, OR THAT THE SUN WILL NOT GO OUT -OR THAT WE WON'T ALL GET HIV-AIDS, OR SARS, OR MAD COW – BUT I CAN PROMISE THAT WE WILL BE OILINDEPENDENT EVEN AS WE DIE – AS BRAVE AMERICANS – THE BRAVEST OF AMERICANS!

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

BRAVEST !

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

[WAIT FOR UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

In honor of the equal time provisions of the law – struck down by the clowns on the Surpreme Court – we offer the true speech that Senator McCain gave in Vegas last week. (See next page.)

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