Why the Iowa Caucuses Mean (Almost) Nothing

Iowa loves the Caucuses for the money, not Democracy.

Jan. 4, 2007 – Washington (apj.us) – Note from the author: Before I start in on the absurdity of the Iowa Caucuses, let me point out that Ann Coulter’s hand-picked, beloved candidate Duncan “Martin Bormann” Hunter managed to get ZERO percent of the vote there! Rudy Giuliani, who didn’t even show up in Iowa, got 3%.

I rest my case and apologize to Coulter. I also, so very greatly, want Hunter to run as the GOP nominee!


Results: Obama and Huckabee top Iowa Caucuses

Anyone who reads my columns regularly knows I don’t think very highly of the Iowa Caucuses’ process or the Iowans that fanatically support it – so much so that the state party honchos, like a group of whiny, pre-adolescent school children, changed the date to make sure Iowa would remain first to have a sorta kinda primary.

In truth, there is little or nothing “democratic” about this foolhardy process in Iowa – yet it brings tractor-loads of money into the state, mostly from the Looney Toons media apparatus that pretends Iowa means something. They do that so you will watch the nonstop commercials they air ‘for your spending pleasure.’

If there were no CNN or Internet, most people wouldn’t know Iowa “voted” – let alone give a fraction of a damn.

What Iowa is about is organization. The candidates that “win” in Iowa most usually have the finest campaign organization on the ground and in the field – not necessarily the most money, nor the best candidate. It takes lots of dollars to support organizers whose responsibility it is to get Iowans to the nearly 2,000 caucus locations – on time and primed to pick the “right candidate.”

While terrible gaffes or scandals can hurt a candidate in Iowa, and while advertising budgets do help shape the average Blue Light Special Iowan's perceptions, influencing him or her to vote one way or the other, the bottom line is “moving that Iowa pork into the meat locker.”

Although I think Rudy Giuliani is about the worst thing that could happen to America, his team was much wiser than they have been credited. They didn’t spend more than plane fare and motel bills for “AmeriKKKa’s Mayor” and a few of his people to pop in and out of Iowa every now and then. They advertised their boredom with Iowa by simply not participating in any meaningful way.

The only reason candidates spend months in Iowa is for the follow-up spin they might get from winning or placing higher than expected. Gullible Americans actually believe that Iowa is a good testing ground by which to measure the depth and breadth of a candidate – because cable news bobbleheads and Beltway pundits say so. How stupid can we be? What if the candidate does so badly in Iowa (this means you, Senator Clinton) that this stupid foray ends up killing any chance for the nomination?

If campaign-paid executive staffers were honest and not simply out to bill more and longer for consulting to these candidates, they would counsel their clients to simply ignore Iowa, where people on the Democratic side of the aisle don’t even cast votes! On the Republican side, there is a secret ballot, but the game is the same: move those bodies into those 1,800 barns, houses, and trailers.

The Iowa Caucuses would by quaint but meaningless without people like Wolf Blitzer and his team of nitwits (which does not include Candy Crowley) tellling the average American that Iowa might to “pivotal”.

Pivotal? How about pitiable?

Then there are the candidates themselves. Have you actually listened to them during this Iowa circus? They speak and comport themselves as if they were addressing a classroom of three-year-olds. It’s a cringe-inducing, humiliating thing to watch. Then again, with this group of non-voting voters I suppose you have to “stay on message” for so long and so simply that they finally get it. That should tell you how important this fraud is.

Okay – so here’s Iowa Caucuses 101, your primer on how the process supposedly works.

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