How much money can you spend to convince the lowest form of North American life that you’re the guy who should run things?
January 19, 2000 – Washington (apj.us) – I can't help but laugh out loud as the mainstream media tries – over and over again – to convince Americans that the opinion of a hundred thousand pig-farming, corn-growing, hot-pocket-gorging losers from the not-so-great state of Iowa as to who should be the next president is of any importance whatsoever.
To watch presidential candidates bowing and scraping in advance of the Iowa caucuses to a group of obese women in Wal-Mart designer stretch pants and men so interbred that they all appear recently drowned is just too much to take. How much money can you spend to convince the lowest form of North American life that you’re the guy who should run things?
First of all, Iowans care about only a few issues, most importantly how to continue to steal money from the rest of America. I'm talking about our taxpayer contributions to their stupid ethanol industry, a business which never enriches them at all – but does fill the coffers of Old Man Dwayne Andreas, his family, and his Archer Daniels Midland corporation to the tune of more than $1 billion a year – that’s billion in tax credits and schemes, and that's money that rarely, if ever, gets passed to any family farmer.
Did you have a chance to see all those bleating farmers just about lynch John McCain during the first Iowa GOP presidential debate when he told them the truth about this multi-billion-dollar giveaway? That sad spectacle proved that Iowans are not only stupid but greedy as well – similar to capuchin monkeys. Iowans want nothing more than to buy newer, bigger and heftier remote-control satellite TV dishes that look more like an anti-ballistic missile defense system than "home entertainment" gear.
And what’s this crap we kept hearing from the GOP candidates about "the disappearance of family farms" anyway? Have you ever seen these ridiculous Farm Aid concerts (funded by ADM) which perennially make us weep for these poor families who can’t keep their "tiny" farms?
Well, I have news for you – midget farms can't make it, and I for one am tired of bailing out losers just so that they can pass their multi-million dollar farm land – tax free – to their idiot children, crazy enough to want to stay in Iowa.
"Saving family farms" is akin to "saving family fighter jet manufacturers." Why not underwrite "family" airplane manufacturers so we can have a bigger collection of unneeded flying war machines to choose from? Yeah! and we could fuel them on pure ethanol! I’m certain each family could design and put out maybe three or even five hand-built, cutting-edge fighter jets a year. The competition will also keep Lockheed Martin and Boeing on their toes now that their personal bagman Gingrich is gone from elected office.
Can't you just see Cher and Kenny Rogers hosting a "Family Fighter Jet Aid" concert in Ames?
Hey Iowans: get real. Learn how to build computers like they did in South Dakota. Tiny farms no longer make sense, even for the small-minded.
If you think I’m cruel, then I suggest you take the sage advice of dead comedian Sam Kinison, who once said, "Somaliland, wake up – things don’t grow in the frigging desert! Move!"
Trusting Iowans – or even New or Used Hampshirites – to presage the election of the most powerful individual on earth is tantamount to asking Henry Hyde about hypocrisy.
Jeff Koopersmith is a political consultant, opinion research authority, policy analyst, and self-described "renegade lobbyist." He lives in Philadelphia, Washington and Geneva.