Democrats Have the Wrong Idea About Iraq

 Yes, let’s depart Iraq — but flatten it first!

March 9, 2007 — Washington ( — I had to chuckle when I was reading the New York Times this morning. The article that had me laughing was the latest pap from Jeff “Overzealous” Zeleny and Robin “Boner” Toner — who looks like Jacob Bronowski after a very expensive but failed face lift.

Toner and Zeleny are reporting, collectively, on the recent Democratic “ghettogether” in the House and Senate, which begins their suicidal legislative preparation to withdraw U.S. troops from Iraq in 2008 — which, by the by, is almost two years from now.  What are they thinking? That losing another few thousand of our kids in the meanwhile is OK? Just how brainless can Democrats be? They are simply playing right into the hands of Karl Rove, Mr. Bush and the evil Bush Puppeteers.

This is third grade mentality. 

The Republicans have only this feeble defense: "We cannot leave, what about our troops?”  No matter that this is nonsense. Of course we can withdraw our troops without putting them in jeopardy.  Any West Point freshman could design that leave-taking.

However, the gullible Bible-swinging Heartland won’t believe that no matter how well it’s explained.

Then there’s more: what does one  tell the parents, wives, husbands, and children of the three thousand-plus men and women that died in that sand soaked garbage hole?

Believe me: if Democrats vote to do anything that can be construed as endangering these kids any more than they already have, they will be toast for the 2008 elections.  That was our mistake in Vietnam; now the Democrat leadership wants to repeat it.

What Hillary Clinton and the also-ran Democrat presidential hopefuls don’t understand is that even the most liberal Americans are just bored sick and pooped from the impasse over Iraq. 

They want action.

They want their kids home from Iraq, preferably not in body bags or wheelchairs.  They crave vengeance for all those beheadings and horrible pictures they were “forced” to view on CNN and FOX News. They want to live in tranquility for at least a while until their jobs at weapons plants start to dry up  — and then, naturally, they will be ready for some new military adventure, preferably in a greener and cleaner environment — like France, for instance.

Face it, Democrats: the American people are turned off by camels, sand, and creepy old unbathed ladies with no teeth ululating and screaming Arab curses in their black nun-for-a-day costumes. 

Americans are also embarrassed about murdering Saddam and his sons because they now realize he was the only person — malevolent or otherwise — with the common sense and resources to keep these ever-feuding morons together as one people, not including the Kurds of course. But why would Americans worry about an entire people named after a dairy product obtained by coagulating goat or dog milk and then combining it with an edible acid substance such as lemon juice, vinegar, or camel urine?  (I’m not jesting about the camel urine.)

Instead, what Democrats must do is propose to pull our troops back into Kuwait or Saudi Arabia while simultaneously carpetbombing Baghdad NOW — not in eighteen months or two years — starting with Baby Face Mullah Muqtadr and moving on from there.

Of course being a “democracy” run by  “compassionate conservatives,” we would first drop leaflets — in English — warning the dozen or so intelligent Iraqis and insurgents left in the area to leave the region quickly with their children.  Give them three days — maybe four.  Naturally, the stupid ones and the martyr wannabes will stick around for the fireworks — but then, the earth won’t miss them.

Now — just what do Democrats gain from pushing this Überhawk point of view?

Why, everything!

They would make George W. Bush appear as he truly is: a service-dodging, ne'er-do-well, drunk fancy boy from Connecticut with a puking preppie Yalie sissy daddy locked at the pelvis to King Fahd (and all the other Saudi and Kuwaiti “royals” who bend over for him — or is it vice-versa? — pre-lubed with crude, when necessary).

After all, it’s not enough that we protect these child-raping, slave-importing Arab royals — we should also relieve them of any further distress concerning a Sunni-Shiite civil war near them of which they will be victims in the end anyway. 

If I were an Arab prince, and I have warned my closest Saudi royal friends to follow my advice, I would be buying a house near the Bel Air Hotel in Los Angeles — make that another house — for my eleven-year-old sex slaves, and hightail it out of the “Kingdom” as fast as my 747 could take me.

Once Baghdad looks like a brand new cat box it will be easy for the “allies” to occupy the place and build a few Four Seasons and Peninsula Hotels on the Tigris. 

In fact, Disney might go for a new theme park in Baghdad as well, “The Magic Carpet Kingdom.” I can see it now — especially the popular ride “It’s a Small Oil Field After All,” the theme sung in Farsi — and only Farsi! Anyone who remembers the original, feel-good but ultimately vapid song will catch my drift.

No more wimp label for the Democrats, got it? 

Got it.

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