Christian Conservatives Struggle to Find Sufficiently Demented Presidential Candidate for 2008

Taking the "fun" out of Fundamentalism: Dominionists stew at well-known tryst hotel

Feb. 25, 2007 — Amelia Island, FL (apj.us) — Don't ask me why I received an invitation from the super-secret Council for National Policy (CNAP – pronounced "SNAP") — an organization made up of men who actually believe that they impact American politics simply because they go to church — But I did.

I genuinely should give CNAP at least some credit.  It is almost thirty years old — and by American standards that is iconic.  During the Reagan ascendancy, CNAP was focused not on "the family" but on moving the nation to the right of Hitler and, naturally, focusing hard, as it does now, on berating homosexuals.  It was also primarily instrumental in formulating the lie that the media is controlled by liberals. 

The founder of CNAP, "Reverend" Tim LaHaye — best known for being an insane rapture cult promoter — got his start as a frequent John Birch Society lecturer in San Diego, then the "City of Brotherly Hate."  His wife, Beverly, is famed for being the president (read: front woman for the men) of the "Concerned Women for America" and asserting that "[p]oliticians who do not use the Bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office," and "[i]f the biblical account of creation in Genesis isn't true, how can we trust the rest of the Bible?"

Yes, how can we?
 
But Tim LaHaye, now nearly 80 years on, takes the laurels when it comes to fruitcakes.  LaHaye writes what some call Christian doomsday fiction.   He is a "graduate" of mega-fundamentalist Bob Jones "University" and a naissance member of the "Young Earth" Institute for Creation Research.  He co-founded with Jerry Falwell the Moral Majority and authored several malicious books and tracts denouncing "Secular Humanism" — which I imagine qualified him to found The American Coalition for Traditional Values. 

Best of all, he is a dedicated advocate of an ancient occult system known as the "Four Temperaments." LaHaye believes that human behavior is caused by body fluids (called "humors"): blood, [yellow] bile, black bile, and phlegm.

Now remember — this is the father of the "Council for National Policy."

Here are just a few of his famous remarks:

  • "I'll tell you what is wrong with America. We don't have enough of God's ministers running the country."
  • "A major contributor to the present-day tendency to accept and encourage homosexuality is Dr. Sigmund Freud."
  • "As important as the father is in the life of a child, even he must take second place to mother during the first three years of life. … Consequently, mothers actually have more to do with producing a predisposition toward homosexuality than fathers. Two kinds of mothers are particularly harmful — smother mothers and dominating mothers."

After searching my house for three hours looking for my New Testament, finding it, and then spending another several days making it appear "well-worn" by showering with it and then putting it in the microwave, folding 89 pages as "earmarks" and rubbing the gold leaf off the leatherette cover, I grabbed my Vatican-powered prayer shawl, my United Airline barf bag (for collecting bile and phlegm) and raced to the airport to join one of the chiefs of CNAP on his Gulfstream V on a direct flight to humid, alligator-infested Amelia Island and the Ritz Carlton Hotel — a`playground for fantastically wealthy Cuban exiles, dowager widows, Dixie trysters with cash, and lesser-known wannabee porn stars.

I swore not to reveal the name of my host because of his concern that his "parishioners" might be upset that he owned a $45 million private jet to "better enable me to do wildcat missions for God," he explained.

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