Is George W. Bush Man Enough to Be “The Scrotum President?”

Where is our President when we need him? And what about the children?

February 21, 2007 — Boy, George W. Bush certainly steps up to the plate when he feels the urge to declare that he is  the “War President,” or “The Education President,” or “The Decider” — but when it comes to idiots banning books — especially children’s books — the President with evangelical ties keeps his mouth shut.

I cannot help but wonder whether his lack of comment thus far is because of his “Leave No Child’s Behind” program, highly endorsed as it is by the Vatican.

Or is simply that banning books, or maybe even burning them, is part of Bush’s brave new world?

An author named Susan Patron wrote a wonderful book, “The Higher Power of Lucky,” that won the prestigious 2007 Newbery Medal for children’s books — and is now “banned” from too many school libraries because the first page of the book contains the word “scrotum.” 

The story is about an orphan named Lucky, ten years of age, who hears the horrible word through a wall when a separate character in the book explains to another that he saw a rattlesnake crunch into his dog “Roy” on his “scrotum.”

“Scrotum,” thought Lucky, sounded like phlegm – “medical and secret,” but also important.

Most librarians with brains are laughing out loud at those that wish to ban this book, but believe it or not, in Bush’s World, a cluster of regressive states in the South, West and — what? — the Northeast have barred the book, which is to me the same as burning it.

You should know that Newbery Medal books are ordered by nearly every library in the nation and are translated into dozens of languages almost automatically. That is how important this award is.

So I thought it might be worth my time to publicly ask the help of someone powerful to help right this wrong:

Mr. Richard Mellon Scaife

Dear Dick:

I know you may have me murdered for this suggestion, but will you buy up as many needed copies of the Newbery Medal winning book, “The Higher Power of Lucky,” a children’s book by Susan Patron — who is a librarian herself — and send them to all the libraries in the nation as you reportedly do with books by Ann Coulter and other Neoconservative hacks, vapid and destructive tomes that are truly beyond doubt “inappropriate?”

Let me admit now that Ms. Patron, the author, uses the word “scrotum” in this book, which is about children learning the lessons of growing up. 

Perhaps you might agree that a better, or at least funnier, choice of word could have beenm ade, for example: bag, ball bag, ballsac, ballsack, ballpark, bawbag (Scottish), bean bag, bosack, chicken sack, coin purse, codlings, duffle bag, dulap, family jewels, footbag, hackey sack, jewel case, knacker bag, knapsack, lolly bag (Australian), mud flap, nutsac, nutsack, sack, scrot, scrote (Australian), sporran, spooge bag, spud sack, potato sack, sud sack, tea bag, treasure chest, twins playpen, wicked sack, yam bag, yam sack, or some other addition you might wish to make. 

Yet Ms. Patron did not succumb to temptation — and used the medical term instead.

Despite the “problem” word, banning books — like burning books — cannot be condoned! Please help and perhaps we will forgive your purported stuffing of the New York Times Best Seller “Ballot Box” in the past.

Best regards and more,

Jeff Koopersmith

In fact, dear readers,  I am sponsoring a letter-writing project to Mr. Scaife, who stops at nothing to sow the seeds of controversy with his legendary book buying exploits.  You should know that because of Mr. Scaife’s largesse, legendary crotch-sniffer and gifted soft-core porn author Kenneth Winston Starr is now the Dean of the Pepperdine (otherwise known as Malibu U.) School of Law and Judicial Subversion.  We can thank Mr. Scaife for this as well.

It is impossible to reach either Mr. Scaife or Mr. Starr for obvious reasons — they are set upon by every Tom, Dick and Harry for favors and money, so it is best to write to Mr. Scaife through the Pepperdine Board of Regents on which he serves.

Write:

Life Regent Richard Mellon Scaife
Board of Regents
Pepperdine University
24255 Pacific Coast Highway
Malibu, CA 90263

Or Fax: (310) 506-7421
 

Or E-mail care of Dean Ken Starr (a close personal friend of Mr. Scaife) at: soladmis@pepperdine.edu.
 
I am sure that Mr. Scaife will appreciate our concern. I have read many “blue” quotes of his, and I am certain he would agree that there is nothing wrong with the word “scrotum.”

Now, back to President Bush.  Just ask yourself: would this book have been banned under the Kennedy, Johnson, even Nixon or Reagan Administrations? Or the Clinton Administration? No Way!  Our President, who has let his faith get in the way of his brain, has over the years set the stage for this and future book burnings in America.

Let’s stop this now and urge the President to declare unequivocally, “I am the Scrotum President!”