Iran Snuggles Up to Iraq; Pistachio Wars Begin!

Iran has cooked up some interesting New Year’s surprises for George W. Bush
Imagining Condi Rice telling George W. Bush this news

Last night, precisely before George and Laura Bush nodded off, Condi Rice must have barged into the presidential bedchamber on the cloistered White House residence floor.  “Hon…. er, Mr. President, Mr. President!” she screeched like the Owl of Athena she is, “Those darn Iranians are at it again — and this time they’ve really made muggins of us.” 

Mrs. Bush most plausibly lit a Marlboro and stalked out of the room to play yet another game of Yahtzee with Jenna or one of the Secret Service, who were getting quite good at it.

“What the hell, Condi?” stammered Bush, trying to comb his hair with his fingers while wrapped in the best solid whites Frette can supply.  He began gorging pistachio nuts as they talked.

The clock on the side table closest to Bush read 2:13 AM before their discourse was concluded, but the gist of what they spoke of might whorl your hair.

It turned out that Iran’s ambassador to Iraq had been in Baghdad, hanging around with highly place Iraqi government officials. 

Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is reportedly still enraged over the capture of several Iranian functionaries by American forces a few days before Christmas last year, had several conversations with Ambassador Hassan Kazemi Qumi, probably over a Parcheesi game and a couple of single malt scotch-like drinks.  Together they giggled over their newest scheme: to step in and trump the United States by offering some un-put-downable tidbits, some dangerous to Iraq.

Once Kazemi Qumi alerted the Iraqis to his plans, he suckered James Glanz of the New York Times into a long-begged-for audience yesterday — which jiggered Glanz since Qumi had granted no media access for nearly six weeks since the United States military snatched a gaggle of Iranian operatives out of private home belonging to a high Iraqi official on December 21, 2006.

During those six weeks Iran cooked up some interesting New Year’s surprises for George W. Bush including the announcement yesterday that:


Iran will open several banks in Iraq, including a branch of the Iranian National Bank in Baghdad very shortly and that the Iraqi government had already granted it official license to do so.


Iran will provide the Iraqi government armed forces training, equipment and advisers for what Ambassador Qumi called, “the security fight.”


Iran is ready to assume much of the job to reconstruct Iraq which Glanz labels “an area of failure on the part of the United States since American-led forces overthrew Saddam Hussein nearly four years ago.”


Iran also warned the United States against continuing pressures in what the Ambassador called “the nuclear file” in Iraq. “We don’t need Iraq to pay the cost of our animosity with the Americans,” Mr. Qumi told the New York Times.


Iran, should it gain approval to rebuild Iraq, would allow any and all nations to bid the jobs — including the United States: “Urge the American companies to come here,” Ambassador Qumi stated.

Mr. Glanz, in his piece published in today’s New York Times, mentions that he not certain the Iranian Ambassador was speaking for the government of Iran.  I wondered who or what Mr. Glanz thought Mr. Qumi spoke for — Tahiti?

Glanz seem to believe that these plans might bring Iran into further conflict with the United States.  Might?  First, can you imagine Dick Cheney’s temper when he finds out that Iran is inviting Halliburton and its subsidiary Brown & Root to bid on Iranian contracts?

Then there is Citibank’s CEO, yelling over the telephone to Bush that he just has to beat the Bank of Iran to the punch and open a branch in Baghdad as well — or maybe several branches with ATMs — or will Bush phone him?

In fact, Mr. Bush is most likely thrilled with Iran’s idea to train Iraqi security forces. This will provide him a new excuse to step up American military maneuvers aimed at keeping Iranian “tairists” out of Iraq as well as arms shipments from Tehran — whether either exists in reality.

There is only one word for Iran’s behavior: audacious!

How dare they try to undermine the United States by doing what we haven’t?  The official American position is that Iran has been complicit in attacking American and Iraqi targets.  If so, why haven’t we attacked Iran?  If you’re holding your breath, well, it might not be too much longer now.

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