Jeff Koopersmith’s ?Genuine? State of the Union Address

If Bush told the truth, here's what he would've said…
The REAL State of the Union Address

As Prepared For Delivery to American Politics Journal

Jan. 23, 2007


Thank you very much. Tonight, I have a high privilege and distinct honor of my own — as the first President to begin the State of the Union message with these words: Madam Speaker — but of course I mean "madam" in the cat-house sense, y'understand?

In his day, the late Congressman Thomas D'Alesandro, Jr., from Baltimore, Maryland, saw Presidents Roosevelt and Truman at this rostrum. But nothing could compare with the sight of his only daughter, Nancy, presiding tonight as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Congratulations, and I hope that is enough ass-kissing for now so that you realize I know you have me by the short hairs.

Two members of the House and Senate are not with us tonight — and we pray for the recovery and speedy return of Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood.  In truth, I hope Tim Johnson does not return to the Senate — and of course that Norwood does.  Tim is a Democrat, heh-heh, get it?

Madam "Rose" Speaker, Vice President — barely — Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

This rite of custom, whatever that is,  brings us together at a defining hour — when decisions are hard and courage is tested — not mine, mind you: I have the courage to send our children to die in the desert so we can establish a huge American presence in the Gulf while hiding behind the mask of democracy-building.

We enter the year 2007 with large imperial endeavors underway, and others that are ours to begin such as invading Iran once we pretend they are sending thousands over the border to Iraq. In all of this, much is asked of us. We must have the will to face difficult challenges and determined enemies — and the wisdom to face them together, which is another way of saying, "Look you pansy Democrats, let's go — BRING 'EM ON!

Some in this Chamber are new to the House and Senate, for instance I lost my race for Congress — and I congratulate the Democrat majority which seems pretty ingenuous since they are making my life miserable. Congress has changed, for the better, but our "responsibilities" — buzzword for making war — have not. Each of us is guided by our own convictions — whether they be felonies or misdemeanors — and to these we must stay faithful.

Yet we are all held to the same standards, and called to serve the same good purposes: to make certain all our toilets are Kohler and all our appliances stainless, and to extend this Nation's prosperity, to spend the people's money wisely or unwisely, to solve problems, not leave them to future generations… well, some of them have to be left to the kids… to guard America against all evil, including Dick Cheney (heh-heh), and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to defend us — liked chopped meat.

We, and I use the term "we" in the royal sense, are not the first to come here with government divided the way it was planned to be all along by the "foundling fathers" and uncertainty  (and B-52s) in the air. Like many before us, we can work through our differences and achieve big things for the American people.  In other words, it's my way or the highway. 

Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on, but they do hate the Bible-beating Neoconservative idiots who have been running my polls into the ground for the past six years — as long as we are willing to cross that aisle — and fire — when there is work to be done.
Our job is to make life better for ourselves first and then our fellow Americans if there is any money left after the war(s), and help them to build a future of hope (that their kids will come home with both legs) and opportunity (to retire without working three jobs) — and this is the monkey business before us tonight.

A future of hope and opportunity begins with a growing economy — and that is what we have, if by economy I mean growing interest rates, growing devaluation of the dollar, growing sweetheart contracts to Experian to spy on you.

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